An Adoption Disruption Story

How can I possibly write this adoption story so you will understand the importance of what I need to say? But if you find yourself in a desperate situation because of a child you have adopted, read this.

There are no English words adequate to express the height and breadth of the compassion, caring, self sacrifice, dedication, tireless work hours, adoption resources and the expertise demonstrated by the entire staff. But let me try to relate a little of our adoption story.

My husband, John, and I care about helping orphans. We adopted 6 children internationally. Our first 3 siblings came from India and our baby from China in the same year. What a year! It was the start of a new century and the start of our new family. We adopted healthy kids, but soon discovered that each had "special needs" of their own.

After 5 years, our kids were doing well. The oldest at 19 was enrolled in a dual high school/college program. Our middle daughter had gone through counseling and was doing better in a public middle school. The youngest two, our son and our baby girl were thriving in a private theater school. One day, a friend at work asked me if I would be willing to help his single friend who wanted to adopt. Always ready to see another orphan find a home, I readily agreed. My mind started racing. I could get my kids to help raise money for her. I could help her do the paperwork, etc. etc. By the time I got home that night, I was saying to myself, "You know what? If I am willing to do all this work for a woman who doesn’t really want to adopt (we had had the same conversation the year before), maybe I should just do it for us!" So I foolishly (at my age) made the mistake of looking at all those faces on the internet, finding a boy who looked like my husband, and decided on the spot to adopt him.

Our family went through all of those non-productive fund raisers and requests for adoption grants. In the end, we borrowed $30,000 against our house, so sure that this boy would fit into our family and help us out, as he was soon to be 15! We would do more fund raising when we got home. We never saw this boy. We did not adopt him. But that is another story.

Sitting in Kiev, our money running out, wanting to be noble minded, we decided to adopt the 2 brothers referred to us. We did not want to come home empty-handed, $30,000 in debt. Now if you are reading this, about to adopt, you should know that Ukraine, like China and Russia, has a blind referral system. In our case, this meant that we had to take these boys or nobody. You are only allowed one referral, and we were on our second!

From our perspective, we made more fatal mistakes. Our papers said both boys were healthy. We didn’t actually see these papers until after the adoption was finalized anyway. We didn’t go educated. We didn’t go prepared. We didn’t know what was coming. We didn’t ask any questions before or during the process. We were entirely unrealistic about what we, our other 4 children, and John’s elderly mother – our only babysitter – could handle. The boys weren’t matched to a family prepared for their particular problems. Our family situation wasn’t considered at all when these boys were referred to us. The Ukrainian adoption system is seriously flawed. But that is yet another story.

From the boys’ perspective, we took them out of horrible poverty and gave them a good home. We gave them a chance to heal. We gave them help. We also gave another family two big blessings.

The first week we came home, it suddenly became apparent that the younger boy had severe emotional problems. It suddenly became apparent that he must have been severely abused. He was so cute. His ways were so endearing. But he could not tolerate school. He needed very special help. None of this was apparent in Ukraine.

The older boy had problems, too. He was very small for his age and very jealous of our middle daughter who was younger, but bigger, and of course, spoke fluent English. He picked on her mercilessly. She, having undergone counseling for serious problems of her own, could not defend herself. We started loosing ground with her again.

The only way we survived this time at all was through the compassion and generosity of a friend who had worked with emotionally disturbed children. She took the younger boy to school everyday and acted as his aide. But when an accident totaled her car, we were forced to leave him at home with John’s mom or risk loosing our jobs. We live paycheck to paycheck and certainly could not risk loosing our livelihood. But at 84 with a pacemaker and congenital heart failure, this could not go on.

In our case, the new boys were not a good match for our family. We could not handle their special needs. They needed some very specialized help that another family would be better prepared to give them.

My hope is to convey two things by sharing our story. First, there is no shame in admitting that an adoption is not going to work out. Adopting a child takes a noble heart. No one wants it to disrupt. But sometimes a child and a family are not a good match. It would be an ideal world if the match making happened before the adoption was finalized. This is our dream for countries that have a blind referral system. Second, if your adoption must be dissolved, you will not find a more caring firm with more adoption resources than the law offices of Todd M. Kolarik, Attorney-at-Law, Ltd. They helped us help two orphans who would otherwise have had no future while restoring our family to a manageable state. We will never be able to thank them or repay them as they deserve.